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"Look, it has nothing to do with Dylan, okay? I guess I am just anxious about new start, that’s all."
She rolled her eyes and let out a small annoyed sigh.
"Fine", she said shortly. "Are you coming home tonight?"
"No", I muttered and she just nodded as if she didn’t expect anything else.
****
I had no idea how to tell him. I mean, what would I say? "We need to talk?" Please! We were sitting on the front porch for the last forty minutes and I was smoking nonstop. Dylan was just sitting next to me, his hands clasped in his lap. He was staring at the tree in the front yard as if it was the most fascinating thing in the world. I knew that he was expecting something bad to come out of my mouth.
"I am leaving", I said finally and his shoulders got tense.
"When?" he asked quietly without looking away from that tree.
"Next Sunday", I stabbed my cigarette in the ashtray.
"Huh", he said.
Then we sat there in complete silence. Once again, I had no idea what to say. "I will always love you"? "This is the hardest decision I’ve ever made"? "It’ll be the best for both of us"? I mean, all those statements were true but I could not say any of them. So we just sat there.
"Dylan…" I said finally. "I…"
"I won’t do anything", he muttered still without looking at me. "Don’t worry."
Right. Don’t worry.
"Dylan… I will never do or say anything to make you change, you understand? But that’s what you are trying to do and…" I squeezed my eyes shut for a second. "It’s killing you…"
"Am I the only reason then?" he asked without moving.
"No", I stared at the same damn tree. "If I stay with you… There will be nothing left of me… Because I will lose myself… In you… And then it’ll just get worse… And I can’t… It’s just… I can’t just…"
He turned towards me finally.
"I get it", he said calmly. "Come on."
"Where?" I frowned when he got up.
He looked at me, his transparent eyes unreadable, small smile playing on his lips.
"Inside", he said. "I still have eight days left with you. I don’t wanna waste them. Unless you wanna try something out here…"
I didn’t wanna try anything outside so I followed him. I can’t even remember if I came home at all the following week. I had to get there on Saturday, the night before I had to leave so I could pack and all… But honest to God, I can not remember if I showed up there prior to that.
On Saturday morning I couldn’t get out of bed. I almost said to myself "You know what? Screw it! I am staying, I don’t care!" And then Dylan sat up in bed and looked at me calmly.
"Go", he said indifferently. "You need to pack."
I reached for him but he just shook me off.
"Go", he repeated with steel in his voice.
"Dylan…" I muttered and he gave me one of his small smiles. Except this one didn’t turn me on. It made me feel cold.
"Go", he said lightly and got out of bed.
I guess I was waiting for him to say something else, to ask me to stay, to… I don’t know… Hell, to tell me that he loves me? Anything. If he would’ve said something, I wouldn’t go anywhere. I would’ve called my mother and told her to return the bloody ticket. But he just got dressed, opened the window, and lit a cigarette. I looked at him for several very long minutes. Finally I got my ass out of bed and got dressed. It took me maybe ten minutes at the most.
I came closer to him and put my hand on his shoulder. He threw a very quick glance at me and for a second I thought that he is going to punch me in the face. He didn’t. He just shook my hand off, gave me a brilliant smile, and flicked his cigarette out of the window.
"Have a safe flight", he said as lightly as before.
If he wanted to make me feel like shit, he succeeded.
"Goddammit, Dylan…" I muttered and pulled him towards myself.
I kissed his mouth, waiting for his attacking tongue but it never happened. He just stood there, waiting patiently for me to finally get the hell out of his room. He never responded to the kiss and he didn’t even touch me. His arms were just hanging by his sides. I stopped kissing him and just stood there for several seconds, my mouth on his, my fingers in his hair. I had hot, pissed off tears burning the back of my eyes. I wanted to shake him, to yell at him, to rip his goddamn clothes off. I didn’t do any of that. I finally let him go, turned around, and left.
"Bye", I muttered before closing the door.
He didn’t say anything. He stared at me without blinking, small cruel smile playing in the corners of his mouth, his eyes completely unreadable. I couldn’t help it. I slammed the damn door as hard as I could.
Tears were running down my face all the way home and I didn’t care. I didn’t even bother wiping them off before I walked into my house. My mother was smart enough not to say anything. I spent the rest of the day packing and when I went to bed that night, it felt bizarre and almost atrocious to sleep alone. I realized that this was my first night without Dylan since the beginning of November. Needless to say, I couldn’t sleep at all that night.
Next morning I was ready to go. I felt like shit, I looked like shit, but I was ready to go. My parents drove me to the airport, my mother chattering all the way there as if trying to distract me or something. I just nodded and said occasional "Uh huh" and she finally stopped talking. Then when my Dad pulled into the parking spot, I made a silent promise to myself. If I see Dylan at the airport this morning, if he comes to say good bye, if I get another chance to at least touch his hair, I am not going anywhere. The thought made me almost giddy. I was sure that he’ll be there.
Well, he wasn’t there. I was the last person to board the damn plane and I couldn’t do it. I kept glancing around, trying to see him. I knew that I told him what time my plane leaves. He wasn’t there.
"Connor", my mother said finally. "If you don’t want to go…"
I looked at my watch. If I am leaving, then I better get on the plane right now before they close the gate. I looked around again, frantically. He wasn’t there.
"I am going", I smiled at my Mom.
She looked like she was about to say something, to tell me that I am an idiot perhaps. She didn’t. She just hugged me tight and kissed me on both cheeks. After I said my final good byes to her and Dad, I threw another glance around. Dylan wasn’t there. I boarded the plane, found my seat, and closed my eyes. Somebody tried talking to me. It was either the flight attendant, or maybe the person next to me, I have no idea. I pretended to be in a state of deep sleep, ignoring whoever the hell that was. I knew that if I try saying anything right now, I’ll lose it and break down in front of total strangers. So I ignored them and they finally left me alone.
By the time I got to Pennsylvania I was in complete control over my emotions. It didn’t take me too long to find the apartment that my parents rented for me and when I was unpacking all my stuff, I found the picture of Dylan and me. I forgot that I had it. I looked at it for God knows how long. I looked at it until my hand started to shake. Then I tore it into shreds, threw them into the ashtray and burned the damn thing.
I was done with Dylan Mort. Done for good. Sure, it’ll hurt for a while but it’ll pass. New place, new friends, new life, new love. That’s it. And now I am sticking to opposite gender only. After all, I have never had a thing for guys. Ever.
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