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It means our happy home is gone. It means the woman who promised to love, honor, and cherish me thought those vows meant nothing. Don’t you dare say it didn’t mean anything."
Kris put her head in her hands and started to cry all over again. I just couldn’t take it. Under normal circumstances my heart would be broken watching Kris cry like that, but at least for right now, it had turned to stone.
I went back up stairs and quickly packed a bag. I didn’t even look in her direction as I hit the bottom stair and headed for the door. "I going to stay at the studio for awhile, I have no idea for how long. You can clean this fuck’n place up by yourself tomorrow, I don’t give a flying fuck!"
I didn’t hear from anyone for three days. Then the business phone in the studio rang. It doesn’t have caller ID.
"Brent’s Commercial Photography," I announced as I picked it up. There was a short pause.
"Brent, its Greg." It was Kris’ step-dad and it sounded as if he’d been crying. Hell, I thought, why not, that’s about all I do these days.
"Hello Greg."
"Son, I…I’m so sorry, I just don’t know what to say except that I’m so very sorry." He was starting to break down again.
"Kris told you then?"
"She told us the whole story son. She said she had an affair and you found out. Thi…this hurts us too son, I…I just can’t get over it."
I could hear him crying again, as well as Kris’ mother in the background. I wondered if Kris had any idea how much pain she caused the people that loved her the most.
Just then I heard a familiar voice that sounded like it came from in the room. "Greg where are you?" I asked.
"We’re at the house son, we just couldn’t leave Kris alone at a time like this. Ah, don’t get the wrong idea Brent, we’re not condoning Kris’ behavior in any way, but she is our daughter and I thought it would be better for the kids as well."
"How are they doing Greg?"
"Well, I won’t lie to you, they’re taking it pretty hard. Kris took all the responsibility and told the kids this was all her fault, but…well, they still keep asking when daddy is coming home."
Hearing about my kids was making me cry again.
"Brent," continued Greg, "Kris wants to know if you would consider marriage counseling? I…ah, I’m begging you myself, son. Please, at least give it a chance. I can only imagine how much you must be hurting, but if there’s a chance in hell of repairing your marriage, I pray you’ll take it.
"Why didn’t Kris ask?"
"She didn’t think you would talk to her," replied Greg.
"Tell her to set it up and call me herself with the where and when and I’ll be there."
"Oh God Brent thank you, you don’t know what this means to all of us. Thank you so much son. I’ll let her know and have her call you with the details."
"Okay Greg. I’ve got to go now, I have work to do." We said our good-byes and ended the call. After several days of trying to sort things through I was no closer than the night I walked out. I did not want to end our marriage but I just couldn’t see how I could not. I prayed a marriage counselor could show me the way.
Less than two hours later Kris called back with a schedule. Her voice was so weak I almost didn’t recognize it. The first session was the following Monday at seven in the evening, four more days away.
When I walked into the counselor’s office Kris was already there. I never saw her look so bad. Her normally luxurious hair was sticking out at the ends. Her eyes were red and had dark circles under them. She was holding a hanky and her hands were shaking. I should feel sorry for her I thought, but I don’t.
I sat down two chairs over from where she was sitting. Our counselor introduced herself. She was a nice looking elderly lady by the name of Betty. She wanted us to use first names, she said, to help keep everything friendly. She wanted Kris to explain how the affair got started and to explain what significance it had in her life.
Kris said it started innocently. When he was working nights, Jerry would come over for coffee during the day and they would joke around and flirt with each other. One day he slapped her butt. She turned around, but instead of slapping his face and telling him to get out, like she should have done, she playfully grabbed his balls.
Kris told the counselor Jerry was always so silly it didn’t even feel like she was cheating. It was more like two kids playing house. There was never any emotional ties between them, one never mentioned love or having any feelings for the other. Jerry acted the part of a clown. He would stand up on the bed after fucking her, beat his chest and do a Tarzan yell.
I listened to as much as I could. This was a bad idea, I thought. Hearing Kris talking about fucking another man was just making me more infuriated. About a half hour into the session I stood up.
"Stop!" I yelled, "stop, please stop. I can’t listen to any more of this." I looked directly at Kris when I spoke. "It’s not going to work honey, as much as I love you there is just no way for us to get back together. Every time I looked at you, held you, kissed you, I’d think of that bastard Jerry. Darling you couldn’t have hurt me more if you had slowly stabbed me in the heart and twisted the knife."
Kris looked into my face. Her voice trembled, "I’m so sorry Brent, God I’m so very, very sorry."
"I know you are Kris, and I know you love me. It’s not even a matter of trust, I doubt very much you’d ever do this again. It’s the hurt. I will never get past the hurt."
"Honey," her voice was hoarse from the stress, "my dad said if maybe we could get Jerry to apologize to you. Would that help honey? Dad said he would work at contacting him for me and get him to call you."
"Jerry!" I could feel my face getting even more red. "If you ever talk to that mother fuck’n son-of-bitch again you tell him for me he better never cross my path because if he does, they’ll take him away in a stretcher."
I could see the shock on Kris’ face. She’d never heard me talk about anyone like that before, never even heard me use that kind of language before. I continued, "I have never hated a man in my life until now. He robbed me of my happiness, of my very soul. If I thought for two minutes I could get away with it, I’d put a bullet right between his fucking eyes and never give it another thought."
By the look in Kris’ face, I think she realized the consequences of her, non-emotional, affair. I was a different man. I turned and walked out. As I started down the hall I heard the therapist say, "I’m sorry Kris, there’s nothing I can do, he’s too deeply hurt."
My body convulsed as another bolt of excruciating torture shot through my chest. I was losing ground and I knew it. My only hope was to get my phone in the house. I could feel the cold breezes getting stronger as daylight was slipping away. My left side was numb. I used all the strength I could conjure up to twist my body onto my stomach. I looked forward, the ten feet between me and the steps to the back porch looked like a mile. I reached out using my fingers as a claw, digging into the frozen ground, and trying to pull myself toward the house.
I could feel myself drifting in and out of consciousness. "Ooh, look how beautiful," I heard her, Sandy, my wife, I could hear her voice. "God has his paintbrush out again, and I have the pleasure of watching with the man I love."
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